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Kuinka saada tarina kirjoitettua - kätevät vinkit by Eerika

1. Keysmash ei juurikaan vie sinua projektissasi eteenpäin, mutta vapauttaa kirjoittamattomuuden aiheuttamaa stressiä.

 

Pardon my English

Sometimes I just feel like giving up on everything. Feel like not existing anymore because everything seems hard, impossible even, sometimes. And these thoughts are safer to write in a foreign language, my own would make the words too real. In English they are just a bunch of sounds and almost abstract, almost not my reality. They are thoughts that I barely dare to put into words and when I do write them down I'm too scared to use my mother tongue. Everything also feels less cheesy and less pathetic when you haven't known the language the whole of your life. 

Sometimes I'm just so tired. Sometimes I'm not even tired but I want to keep sleeping. Because when you sleep the world with responsibilities and impossibly difficult things goes away but not permanently. While sleeping you don't have to worry and feel all the negative feelings crushing on your shoulders, but you will also wake up. Of course there sometimes are nightmare too, but it's been a very few nightmares that had felt worse than reality. Dreams are not real and they always end. And you forget them much more easily than memories from the real life. All in all sleeping is good. This sounds strange when you realize it's 3:30 am and I am not sleeping. Why. Why am I awake when I could be sleeping. 

Sometimes reality is too much and not enough. Sometimes you feel empty like there's just so few things in your life keeping you going and still there's so many things going on you feel you can't just handle all of them at once. Simple things. So simple you feel ashamed to find them so difficult. So simple you don't dare to complain because how would a normal, healthy person find those things difficult? And you still want to appear like you yourself are a normal, healthy person, because you don't want to be a flaming disappointment or make your loved ones worry or maybe you just feel like no one would really understand. Because you've been taught to be independent and deal with life on your own because it's your life. Your not even sure if anyone actually ever said so to you; to not show your weakness and inadequacy by asking someone else for help. Probably not. Of course not. But something made your mind to make that up and you can't let it go and you just keep pretending. Your own mind is telling you that no one will love you if you show how pathetic you are. Even though you know that's not true your mind keeps telling you that and so you rather keep crawling forwards on your own even though it makes you want to collapse and give up and quit, rather that than asking for help or even letting anyone know.

 

These are the thoughts I am too afraid to say in my own language, probably wouldn't even know how to say them. Instead using a borrowed language and a passive voice writing you rather than I. I used to believe I was a happy person who can manage life, is good in the things she does and has faith in the future, is able to do things. Some part of me still wants to cling into the scraps of those beliefs and that is the part of me that allows me say this only in English. For me English is the language of fiction - books, tv, movies - and not the every day life. Somehow that makes these thoughts feel that tiny bit more like fiction too. That tiny bit that keeps me even remotely sane.
 

olen hengissä

Jännä asia, tämän bloggaustauon aikana olen saanut kaksi uutta lukijaa. Jännää siitä tekee se, että edellisenkin bloggaustauon aikana sain tismalleen kaksi uutta lukijaa. Viimeksi kävi myös niin, että kun palasin aktiivisempaan bloginpitoon, menetin yhden lukijan, saa nähdä, käykö taas niin. Melkein vissiin kannattaisi pitää suunsa kiinni, niin lukijataloudellinen tilanne kohenisi.

Mitä tarinankirjoittamiseen tulee niin olen ihan hemmetin lähellä saada Linja-autojen perässä voi juosta -jatkiksen loppuun asti. Aion julkaista sitä lisää vasta, kun se on kokonaan kirjoitettu loppuun saakka. Olen pahoillani, että tein tarinan, jonka suunnittelin niin huonosti, että ennen puolta väliä aloin sitä jo inhota ja joka on täynnä pohjustettuja juonenkäänteitä, joita ei koskaan viety loppuun tai oikeastaan edes toteutettu niiden kliseisyyden alkaessa kaivella. Miten typerää.

Olen myös samalla tässä kirjoitellut uutta tarinaa, joka on tietyllä tavalla melko samanlainen kuin LVPJ, mutta toivon mukaan noin yleisesti ottaen parempi. Suunnitellumpi, paremmin punottu, syvällisempi? En tiedä, en lupaa mitään, mutta katsotaan. Kiinnostaako?